Why We Should Stop Calling People Toxic
People Aren't Toxic. Habits Are.
Being called toxic is like being the boogeyman in this day and age. None of us wants that label slapped on our back. Without missing a beat, we’ll sidestep a toxic label like a Heisman trophy winner and not look back.
But even quicker, we’ll play pretend quarterback, hauling the term off at whoever we think fits the bill. In the name of all things Hall Monitor, we police these streets for the toxic urchins roaming among us. They are not safe in our presence. And we don’t play about our shit.
But who are we? People with such discerning eyes that we can analyze all of the complexity of a human spirit and conflate it into one simple trait? Toxic. Maybe we’re that good.
Or maybe, we are the toxic too — just with bad eyesight and foggy mirrors. Walking around spreading our toxicity because we don’t even know we’re infected. Diagnosing others as diseased, all the while living with our own poison.
The word toxic is definitely overused. But it’s also perfect in a way. It’s as if collectively, a few years back, we all discovered this buried treasure of a word that could adequately describe the type of person who shatters the positivity of anything they touch. A Thanos of sorts.
This person now had a label — one that we all recognized belonged to a very distinct kind of asshole. Finally, the villains to our stories were being seen for who they were. (Oh, happy day.)
But somewhere in the jubilence of discovering this word, we began to twist it around to serve our egos and wounded inner selves. We weaponized it when we felt hurt. Made it a tool for dehumanizing someone when they did a bad deed.
Being the first to call out toxic behavior became like a badge of honor for our egos. We could flip a person on their head, making them no more than their worst trait. Gutting them and pulling out their toxic insides for the world to see. As if this showmanship wasn’t itself toxic.
I don’t point fingers because I’m culpable myself. But something about calling people toxic makes me cringe every time. I feel guilty in a way. Of hypocrisy maybe. Or of being presumptuous. I’m not sure what exactly.
But I remember thinking about it more at the start of the pandemic after Season 4 of Insecure (I’m a stan!) opened with a barrage of ‘toxic’ missiles aimed at Molly. I remember looking at how quickly the sentiment grew thinking to myself, ‘wow, people will cancel you just like that.’
No questions asked anymore. Step out of line, and you’re done. And maybe this widespread practice is just nature overcorrecting for the decades — hell centuries — of people not being held accountable for atrocities. So, I get it.
But when we call people toxic, we can be cutting off their path toward growth. Calling a person toxic is a label. A judgment. Two things that immediately put a person in defensive mode.
It’s an indictment of the entirety of who they are. Instead of hearing what you mean, the recipient of this label is rejecting what you’re saying. It’s only natural.
Would you like it if the sum total of who you are was reduced to one negative label? Of course not. Your inner self-preservation ticker would jolt awake at a label like that too. Instead of growing and trying to learn how to do better, our natural reaction would be to fight any hint of that label being associated with us.
If we actually focused on the problematic behavior, however, we stand a better chance of being heard. Because the truth of the matter is that a person isn’t toxic. Their habits are.
So by being more specific about where exactly the toxicity lies, we can not only help the recipient feel less attacked (won’t work for everyone, but hey), we can allow them to see exactly the behavior that needs improvement. What they do with that is on them. ‘You have a bad/toxic habit of doing X’ or ‘Every time you do Y, it makes me feel Z.’ Something that focuses on the behavior.
Calling a person toxic is basically like saying, ‘Let’s throw the whole person in the trash.’ And while we kinda do sorta maybe mean this, we have to do our own work, practice what we preach, take a deep breath, and not set out to destroy the other.
If we are responding out of a higher space, our goal cannot be to gut people by calling them toxic. Our goal has to be to spur growth and improvement. And calling out their toxic traits versus calling them toxic stands the greatest chance of achieving that.
So, when we can, let’s try to stop calling people toxic, and instead, identify their specific traits that may be toxic.
But if all else fails…..
(I kid! I kid! I too, am a #workinprogress)
