Poor Communication 101: How Issa & Molly Got Here
And How Professionals Say We Can Improve Our Own Communication Skills
Molly went so left on Sunday’s episode of Insecure, I almost pulled off my earrings and jumped through the screen for Issa. I think we all wanted to pull up, wheel Molly away, and deliver her to the nearest therapist’s office for an emergency session.
Whether or not Issa was wrong to contact Molly’s man behind her back, the type of public confrontation Molly initiated is never appropriate. Period. But how did these two ‘best friends’ even get here?
Two words — poor communication.
I’ve been where Molly and Issa are. I’ve let issues build up without saying a word. Little jabs, here and there. Slick comments that go unchecked. Then all of a sudden, a conversation about what restaurant you and your girls are hitting up for dinner turns into a ‘fuck you’ moment. And the friendship explodes.
Sometimes breaks from — or even ending — friendships can be necessary. But sometimes they’re premature, reactionary jumps that can be avoided. Effective communication makes a huge difference in how this process plays out.
The Importance of Communication
“You have to be willing to look at how you’re communicating about the problem,” says mental health counselor Kara Morrison. “Sometimes you just need to open your mouth and ask a question. Figure out what’s happening. If you’re communicating effectively, there should be no questions left unanswered.”
While Molly’s antics catapulted an already tenuous relationship into another dimension, the situation may not have reached that point had the two communicated effectively prior to this blow-up. But this requires much more than just talking.
In his book, sociologist Ian Tuhovsky, author of ‘The Science of Effective Communication,’ lists several skills required for effective communication, including listening and empathy. He dedicates an entire chapter to both skills, and makes the case that communication skills are not static traits. “[M]ost people can improve if they are given the tools necessary to help themselves,” he shares in his book.
This idea of improvement is important to me. It gives us the chance to dissect where we are lacking and change our behavior. This season of Insecure presents an opportunity for us to challenge our knee-jerk reactions about how we communicate about problematic behaviors in friendships.
Three (of many) Problems with Molly & Issa's Communication
1. It's Basically Nonexistent
During this season’s first five episodes, Issa and Molly began to recognize that there was a wedge growing between them. Yet, five months into this realization, they’ve yet to have a healthy conversation about it. Key word — healthy.
2. It Lacks Empathy
They weren’t making a concerted effort to empathize with one another. Their lack of real communication over the last five months allowed them to dig deeper into their own versions of what was happening. This widened the gap between them and any feelings of empathy for the other. Molly thought she was right and that Issa was trippin’. And Issa thought the same.
3. It's Passive-Aggressive
The slick, or insensitive, comments they each made to one another round out this trio of problems. Things they wanted to say, but weren’t actually saying, found their way to the surface in passive-aggressive ways. And while so many people noticed when Molly did it, Issa also threw her own jabs that got next to no attention. Statements like, “You gon’ pull a old Molly and scare his ass away,” are problematic and not supportive coming from a friend.
So What Should They Have Done Instead?
1. Communicate!
They should have stopped delaying pie time! By not talking, they were asking for shit to add up. It’s like when you keep throwing food in the grocery basket without periodically checking that you’re still in budget. Then you end up standing at the register with your jaw hanging like you didn’t know this would happen. Yes! It’s a small fortune because nothing just goes away on it’s own. It all adds up!
2. Have Empathy for Each Other
These ladies were caught up in their own worlds and were not empathetic about what the other was going through. If both had taken a step back and thought about each other’s situations more, they could have approached a conversation from a different posture.
If Issa had done this, it could have dawned on her that Molly is low-key sensitive. Molly has personality and bravado, but she’s insecure about many things. Those insecurities are major tender spots for her. Anything dealing with her love life or her personal development (because she’s trying and often failing to be better) rank at the top of her sensitivity list. Issa’s casual comments, while probably not malicious, were hitting those soft spots dead in the center. In return, Molly hit back because she perceived it as a threat, whether Issa intended it that way or not.
For Molly, taking a moment to focus on empathizing with Issa’s situation would have allowed her to realize that Issa was busy and time-strapped, trying to get her life together. Not too long ago she was living on someone’s couch (poor Daniel). And even now she’s living among annoying ass tenants. She’s been trying to blossom into the best version of herself and that’s taking a lot of time and energy. Even more, Issa was doing all of this while being forced to interact with her ex’s new (at the time) boo, Condola.
3. Watch the Slick Shit!
Instead of passing small jabs back and forth, they should have taken a harder look at how their own wounds or circumstances may have impacted their communication. For Issa, she may have discovered that due to her super busy schedule, she was checked out and wasn’t really being there for Molly. And even when present, her comments weren’t as sensitive as they could have been.
For Molly, she may have realized that she was being snippy with Issa because she was hurt by Issa’s continued insistence on placing her in an “Old Molly” box when she was trying to grow.
How We Can Better Communicate In Our Own Friendships
As a mental health counselor, Kara Morrison counsels people through the ups and downs of life and relationships. Effective communication is key in that practice. “A lot of times we don’t say what we need to say because we have these expectations about how the other person will respond,” she shares. However, communication is still necessary she notes.
She gives us her top tips for how we can improve our communication skills within our own friendships.
- Use “I” statements as opposed to “You” statements. “These ‘I’ statements are important because they take the blame off of the other person, and they hold the individual accountable for their own feelings,” she says. “It also helps with decreasing the other person’s feelings of being attacked. Instead of saying, ‘you did this,’ ‘you did that,’ you can say something like, ‘when such and such happened, I felt this way.’”
- Be honest. “Life is better when you tell the truth,” she says. “Effective communication is about the ability to share your truth without watering it down based on your expectation of the other’s person’s response. You have to be considerate of others, but also value your opinion just as much as you value others’.”
- Don’t hold things in, but take time to reflect before you approach the other person. “Sometimes you need to sit with your feelings and process them to make sure they are not displaced emotions,” she says. “An angry reaction to someone spilling something on your carpet might not actually be about the carpet — it might be about something else, yet it shows up as anger about the carpet.” She also addressed empathy’s role in this process. “It’s important to consider what that other person is going through. We may think they are blowing us off, but they may be depressed or going through something.”
No matter where we are on the communication spectrum, this season opens up a safe space for us to re-examine our own communication skills, learn, grow, and move closer toward healthier, more open conversations with friends.
